Nowhere near as Random as my Life.

Maybe if for a little while right now i could think once, if not better twice or three times, before handing out my soul on paper platters. Me? I end up discarded and written off before i even realize how superficial most can be. I looked for the best, and it was all i sought out to find. The x's on my map led me to steer my life into the antonyms of harmony and genuine anything, but apathy. And so sad i can be and paint my face full of joy and laughter, but shades of black and purple reflect those mirrors i wish didn't reflect this face I'm so sick of looking at and after. I seem to keep my eyes from blinking when i wish time would stand still, but the second hands have no sympathy for thoughts i had at some point and place that tend to escape me. Sitting in my car gives much less comfort when i wish i had gas money to run away. But not from here or there... from myself, but I'd still be steering the car, and when i look in my blind spots, I'd still be there, and the thought of that makes all the blood rush to my head and leaves the rest of my selfish self uncirculated. I wish for things i should have grown out of, and i wish i had a history of decisions and examples to say " yeah, i really am as innocent as i feel", but that'd be such a deception to even say to myself, let alone anyone who knows the things I've done, and situations i haven't the slightest clue how i got out of alive, with all limbs intact. Ridiculous. I pray to God for strength i can't seem to find, and for independence from mine and your vain unempathetic eyes. I wish too much and hope in vain. The empty packs and empty jugs of loss of mind, and i suppose things that hardly ever mattered are starting to make me sick to my stomach. The money saved up doesn't offer any relief, and caffeine diets leave me strung out for weeks. I'll leave it at that for right now.